Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
