he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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