Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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