is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize