Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
