Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
