I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
