My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
