Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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