you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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