My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
