Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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