She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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