I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize