I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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