I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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