2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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