I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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