im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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