either way he was missing a nipple.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
