dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
