I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
