Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
