My Higher Power is John Stamos
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
