i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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