OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
