It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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