I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
