I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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