I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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