Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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