I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
