Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
