I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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