my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
