This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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