I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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