if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize