i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
