can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
