I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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