Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
