Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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