So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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