Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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