i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
