I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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