When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
