dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
