she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
