I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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