i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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