WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
