Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
