I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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