you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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