Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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