mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
