You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
