we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
