she was so not down for the gang bang
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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