I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
