i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
