What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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