yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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