you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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