Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
