Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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