then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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