I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
