I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
